Dear Parent(s) of My Foster Child

About a week ago I was compelled to write this blog in which I plan to address some things that foster parents would say in a heart to heart conversation with their foster child’s parents. I surveyed several foster parents and compiled a short list of things that I will elaborate on here. I wanted to say before I begin that these statements are very general and not directed towards any one individual. Also, the things reflected upon will be my own thoughts, and since I am a Christian that will play a central role in what I write. This will be written as a Christian foster parent to the child’s parent(s). I understand that situations vary and not everything that I write can be applied to every case. With that said, here goes . . .

Dear Parent(s) of my foster child,

Until recently, you and I did not know one another. Now, our paths have not only crossed, but we have a new and very awkward relationship. Your children, whom I will assume you love very deeply, now live in my home and you don’t even know me. Because you love them, I am sure this is something that has caused you to lose sleep. I wanted to take a little time to say a few things that I pray will comfort you and be helpful to you as well.

1. The love of Christ compels me. I do what I do motivated by this one great thing. The Bible says, “For the love of Christ compels us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised” (2 Cor. 5:14-15).

            I do not do this for the money. In fact, there is not really much money involved. Depending upon the age of the child, foster parents receive a small per diem which averages out to between sixty to eighty cents per hour.

            I do not do this for the accolades. In fact, there really aren’t any. In many ways foster care is a pretty thankless job. In fact, many people think we are crazy for doing this and some of them even tell us we are. It is also not uncommon for the parents of a foster child to show no appreciation, and to even treat the foster parent as an enemy.

            I have countless social workers make visits to my home. Your child’s case manager comes to my home, sometimes scheduled and sometimes by surprise. In addition, we are visited by your child’s CASA worker and the director makes occasional visits as well to inspect our home. We do not enjoy all of that. I mean, who really enjoys having government social workers in their home regularly?

            Again, the love of Jesus for us and my love for him is what compels me to take children I do not know into my home for foster care. It reminds me of the Gospel. When I was down and out and lost in my sin, Jesus Christ rescued me and brought me into his family as his own child. He will do the same for you if you will turn towards him by faith, acknowledging Him as lord and receiving Him as Savior.

2. I am not your enemy. In fact, I hope you will consider me both a friend and a partner. I am not trying to replace you. In fact, I talk about you often to your child and when I do I speak positively.

            Chances are you are angry at several people. Whether your anger is justified or not I do not know, but it is not justified towards me. You see, I am a volunteer. Because of the love of Christ, I went through the burdensome process of becoming a foster parent. I did not select your child. I was called to see if I could take your child in and I agreed to do so. When the social worker called and gave me a brief description of your child, I was torn between the knowledge of the extra responsibility that I would be taking on and the reality that this child needed someone to love him during this time in which his world has been torn apart. So, I decided to let that someone be me.

           

3. I love your child and you. I really try my best, by God’s grace, to love your child as my own. Because of the love of Jesus, I loved your child before I ever met him. At first, he was skeptical of me. He did not know who I was, but found himself suddenly in the home of a stranger. But, just as my love for him has increased more and more, he has discovered that I really care about him and he loves me too. I have tried to make life as normal as possible for him. In addition to making sure that all of his physical needs are met, I try to make sure that he knows he is safe and loved. Over time, we have become pretty good friends.

            Because of the love of Christ, I also love you. I hope that even through the awkwardness of our relationship we can become friends. It would be nice to be able to have such a relationship that you could trust that I am going to provide the best care possible to your child and I could trust that you are going to respect the position which I have been placed into as a foster parent.

4. Foster care is not my life. That simply means that I have a life that extends well beyond foster care. In fact, I have my own family. We are often very busy just doing life. As a part of my family, temporarily, your child will also be included in our family activities and will be living according to our schedule. I believe that constant communication with you is very important as it keeps you informed about what is going on in your child’s life. But please do not abuse that. I have to put boundaries in place to protect my family and our time. I do ask that you respect those boundaries.

5. I want you to succeed. I believe that the best place for a child to be is with his parents. I want your child to be reunited to you. I do hope that can happen. It is not my goal to keep your child permanently. You have some things to accomplish before reunification will be possible. I want to see you succeed at that. I do hope that you will work towards fulfilling the goals of the case plan laid out for you. By God’s grace, you can do it. You have been told what you need to do to get your child back. It is up to you to get it done. I know that some of it will not be easy. Some of it you might even consider to be unfair, but when I look into your child’s sweet eyes I know that he is worth your best effort. I will be in your corner cheering for you and hoping that you make it to the finish line. I will pray for you, that God give you strength to make it and that ultimately, you find in Christ the true victory you need.

Sincerely,
Your child's foster parent

Pain, Snow, & a Ladybug

            Some of the sweetest fellowship we have with our Lord comes in times when we are hurting the most. Our Father is loving and compassionate and certainly does not leave nor forsake us when we hurt. Instead, He is right there to hold us and comfort us. 

            A couple of years ago, my wife and I experienced a particularly rough season. We were praying about whether or not we should adopt again. It was then that my wife became pregnant. We were excited and began to make appointments with a doctor. Shortly into the pregnancy my wife miscarried. That was tremendously painful. It was very deep and very personal. We had suffered the loss of a baby. I cannot remember ever watching my wife grieve so deeply. We had a ton of questions for God. We did not understand why. God seemed distant. Since we could not, in that moment, sense God’s presence we began to recall what we knew to be true about Him. We knew that he promised to never leave nor forsake us. We knew that He promised nothing could separate us from His love and that He causes all things to work together for the good of conforming us to be more like Jesus. Reminding ourselves of who He is, through His Word, helped us in those moments when the pain created a fog around our hearts and we could not sense Him. 

            We healed a bit and shortly thereafter my wife became pregnant again. Again, we made appointments with a doctor. We were certainly a lot more fearful with this pregnancy. Only a couple of months had passed since the miscarriage. However, we started making plans, thinking about names, a boy name and a girl name. We couldn’t help but walk through the baby section of stores and talk about what we liked. Then, it happened! Another miscarriage! Again, we were wading through what seemed to be an abyss of hurt and confusion. All of the pain from losing the first baby was so fresh and now it was compounded with grief of losing a second baby. These were our children, and though we had not seen them we loved them. Again, even though some days we did not want to, we reminded ourselves of who God is and of His promises. 

            On one of those days, it was snowing outside, a rare Georgia snow storm. My grieving wife was looking out the window at the snow. Suddenly, a bug landed on her. My wife would normally scream and swat a bug. But this was a lady bug, a lone lady bug. I guess all of her friends and taken cover for the winter. This one was certainly out of place. It was then that my wife heard from God. He reminded her again that He was there, that He had not gone anywhere. He reminded her afresh of His unfailing love for her. He reminded her that he wants her to run to Him, to draw near to Him. Like that little lady bug, he had not left but was right there in the storm. God sending that little lady bug was the beginning of tremendous healing for my wife and I.

            I thought about that this week during our recent snow storm. Especially, as I stood outside and watched my wife play with our little girl (our youngest child by adoption). Lydia’s name is filled with significance. Her middle name is Hope. It is a reminder that the Lord Himself is our hope, even when we feel hopeless. Her first name, of course, came from the Bible. Most of the time, however, we don’t call her Lydia. We call her Lydie-Bug. Yep, she is our lady bug. She reminds us of God’s faithfulness during the storms. And it was a glorious moment with the Father this week as I watched my wife and our Lydie-Bug laugh as they sled down the hill in our yard. He is good, folks!

Because He First Loved Me

I was sitting on the porch one cool morning, drinking coffee and reading my Bible, when my wife came to the door holding Lydia. Lydia saw me and smiled. When I went over to grab her and get a hug, I realized she wanted to go for a ride in her car. After mom put on some warm clothes, she and i set out. She loves her little car. It is a Step 2 car with a long handle that I push. This particular car once belonged to Colby. As I pushed her around I reminisced of times pushing Colby around. We use to bring that same car to church and push him around in the hallways, as he liked it better than a stroller.

 

As I took Lydia on her stroll this morning, I looked down at her. It was pretty funny. She thinks she is in total control. To her, she is making the car move along. She has no idea that at that moment, her daddy is in complete control. Her hands are on a small steering wheel, but her daddy is directing every move of the car. She is also oblivious to potential dangers that are all around, but her daddy is watching over her and protecting her.

 

At that moment, I thought about how I want what is good for her. I want her to love the Lord with all her heart. I want her to learn the lessons she needs to learn for her good, even though some of those lessons are going to be painful. I want her to know that I will always be there when she stumbles and falls. I want her to be assured of my love for her, though I know at times of discipline she will question that love. I want her to know that my love for her will be expressed in thousands and thousands of yeses. It will also be expressed in a whole bunch of noes. In fact, there will be many times when the decisions I make, for her good, will make absolutely no sense to her. But reality is, my love for her will not be in question.

 

I want her to love me. But, I want her to love me as her daddy, not as the giver of stuff. When I come home from trips, I want her to care more about me than what I may potentially bring to her as an expression of my love. I want her to love me because, well, I first loved her...and I love her with all that is within me.

 

As I turned the car around to head back to our house, she looked up at me and smiled. I said, "Let's go home baby girl!" And as I escorted her home, my hand guiding her path, I saw that our Father had just given me a glimpse of His love for us. It seems that I too am in my own little car or sorts, and He is guiding my path, all the way home.

 

Yep, He is Good!

I was sitting in my living room watching LSU play Kent State when I heard my wife yell, “You have got to come see this!” I went in and there was my baby girl taking her first steps. We were all excited. I sat down on the floor and she walked back and forth from me to my wife. Each time, we celebrated. She loved the attention and wanted to keep on going. This event is played out over and over again in homes all over the world. In fact, we sat in the same positions and did the same celebrations when our other three children began to walk. What made this so special is that she is not suppose to be walking, at least not according to the medical experts.

Our daughter had a difficult birth. During the process she was without oxygen for an unspecified amount of time and had to be fully resuscitated. She was immediately transferred to a children’s hospital and tests showed some damage to her brain. In addition, she was fragile due to some prenatal neglect and abuse. She would spend the first two months of her life in the NICU. Her first Christmas was not spent with her mommy, it was spent with hospital staff.

When we were called to adopt our little girl, we were given the whole medical report and outlook. As my wife sat and listened to two doctors, on a conference call, tell us of her condition, we were both saddened and frightened. Just the other day, I listened again to the recording of the conversation and am still shaken to the core when I think of all she went through. We were told that she may be delayed or have trouble with motor skills. We were told that she may never function “normally.” We were told that she may have cerebral palsy. We were told she may never walk.

In spite of all that we were told, God chose to do otherwise. According to His great mercy and grace, He chose to work in a different way than the medical professionals had predicted. So that, there we were sitting on the floor while our 9 month old (7 ½ months adjusted) took her first steps. That’s just one example of many of the things she is doing. Her pediatrician cannot explain it. Her neurologist cannot explain it. The folks from Babies Can’t Wait can’t believe it. Virtually everything that we were told about her has proven to not be the case.

It is here that I am tempted to go into praise as to the goodness of God. That is certainly appropriate. He is absolutely good. But, He would still be good if the doctors had been right. He would still be good through cerebral palsy. He would still be good if she had never taken a step. He would still be good if she were to never dance (she does). He would still be good if she never functioned “normally.” He is always good. He is always good because He is always God.

One of my favorite songs is titled, “As Long As You Are Glorified.” In the song, the writer expresses the nature of God’s goodness with these words:
                                 Are You good only when I prosper
                                 And true only when I’m filled
                                 Are You King only when I’m carefree
                                 And God only when I’m well
                                 You are good when I’m poor and needy
                                 You are true when I’m parched and dry
                                 You still reign in the deepest valley
                                 You’re still God in the darkest night

                                 Oh let Your will be done in me
                                  In Your love I will abide
                                 Oh I long for nothing else as long
                                 As You are glorified

Praying and Pleading For The Unborn

It was an unusually cool August afternoon here in GA. I was standing on a Lawrenceville sidewalk waiting for the next car to arrive, holding a large sign that showed a beautiful baby inside his mother’s womb. When the next car pulled into the lot, I watched to see where the young lady, and the man who accompanied her, would park. The parking lot is for a small strip mall. Would the couple park to go into Sears, Five Guys Burgers, the hair salon, or the abortion clinic? Even as I write this, I am still stunned by the casual nature of this tragedy. Only in America can one purchase a lawn mower, a burger, a hair cut, and kill a baby all on one small strip mall. The couple parked in front of the abortion clinic. I knew that the moment the lady stepped out of the car that I had about 30 seconds to say something, in an attempt to persuade her away from the murder that awaited on the other side of those doors. At that moment my job could be likened to trying to stop a run-away train. As she exited her car, I grabbed a microphone which was attached to a speaker. The microphone was so that we could be heard from the required distance we had to stand away from the premises. I called out to the woman, pleading with her to not go into the building. I told her that if she was there for an abortion that we had help available for her. I told her that she did not have to kill the baby. Then, as she was reaching for the door, I cried out, “Please, I beg you, let me adopt your baby! My wife and I will adopt your baby!” Tragically, she continued on into the clinic. I turned my attention to the young man and I pleaded with him. I told him that if the girl was there for an abortion we had help available for her, for them. I told him that we would adopt the baby and I begged him to go get her out of the clinic. He turned up the radio in his car in an attempt to drown out my voice. What followed, as you can imagine, was yet another life lost to the horror that is America’s holocaust. I wish I could say that this was an unusual encounter. But, we saw several ladies continue on into the clinic. Hopefully, some were impacted by our pleas. We will continue to go on Tuesdays, to pray and to plead, because life is too important to not. I cannot stop women from walking through those doors. But, by God’s grace, I can make sure they only do so while hearing a pleading voice, offering them help and begging them away from the clinic. My passion for the cause of the unborn is birthed out of my love for Jesus Christ and His love for all of us. Jesus loves and cares for the unborn and for the mothers who walk through the doors of those clinics. This is why I go and invite you to join me. It is why I encourage our church to support the Walton County Right to Life and the Pregnancy Resource Center of Walton. We stand together with these two great organizations for the cause of the unborn. I am thankful for our brother, Terry Queen, and his passion for this great cause. In light of that, I want to encourage you to attend, with me, the semi-annual meeting of the Walton County Right to Life on Thursday, September 19 at 7:00 p.m. The meeting will be held at The Praise Center on Hwy 78 West. We will enjoy a time of worship together, hear a wonderful testimony, and a great message from Dr. Jody Hice. When the history of these days is recorded and the question has been asked about how the Church responded to the tragedy of the American holocaust, may it be said about us that we stood together, praying and pleading, for the end of this national tragedy that has claimed the lives of over 53 million babies.

Loving People and Chicken!

Today, I went to Chick-fil-a. I did not go out of hatred for anyone. I went because I support both Dan Cathy’s stated beliefs and his right to express those beliefs. Of course, I also went because they make a really great chicken sandwich. There are so many ways to talk about the recent controversy surrounding Chick-fil-a. However, there is one that is really burning in my heart. I want to spend a few minutes talking about our responsibility to those who struggle with the sin of homosexuality. I submit to you that in many ways we have failed these individuals. We have failed them by allowing this particular sin to be elevated into its own class of sin, while forgetting that all of us are sinners. Like all who struggle with homosexuality, I was born that way. I was born with a sin nature I inherited from our original parents, Adam and Eve. As I aged, I expressed that sin nature in all sorts of ways, even sexual immorality. While, I did not express my sin nature with homosexuality, I was every bit as guilty of unrepentant sexual sin and many other expressions of sin. I had desires and cravings which I selfishly fed. Paul put it well in Ephesians. He wrote, “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind” (Eph 2:1-3, ESV). You and I stood before God no less guilty than anyone who struggles with homosexuality. In fact, Jesus said that to even look with lust is to be guilty in the heart (Matt 5:28). I was born with a sin nature, as were you and everyone else. I believe we have also failed these people by insufficiently communicating the Gospel. You and I were born with a sin nature, and we need to be born again in Jesus Christ. Paul continued in Ephesians, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved” (Eph 2:4-5, ESV). That is glorious truth! Yet, being saved does not mean that one will cease to battle temptation. We struggle with various temptations everyday. Satan is a master at knowing our temptations. And he will tempt us in the areas he perceives we are weakest. Thus, a man who gives his life to Jesus Christ may struggle with homosexuality the rest of his life. That individual, like the rest of us, needs to understand that we need Christ to get us through every struggle, every temptation. That individual needs to know that we are all a bunch of messy individuals, all with various sorts of struggles; redeemed and pursuing holiness by the grace of God. Too often, we try to make people think we have it altogether, when the fact is we don’t. We are constantly in need of our Lord and His strength. That is the whole point of the Gospel. God knew that we were a mess. So, He sent His Son to redeem us. He also knew that after we were saved, we would be messy and in constant need of His empowering grace in order to have victory in a world of sin. Collectively, we as Christians, are a people who have been saved by grace and brought together into His family, the Church. We need one another in our daily battles. We also need to be more transparent about our struggles. We need to quit pretending we have it all together. And we need to lovingly communicate the Gospel in its fullness. Does God love the individual who struggles with the sin of homosexuality? Absolutely! Just like He loves the person who struggles with the sins of pornography, promiscuity, and adultery. The entire point of the cross was to demonstrate God’s loving, viscous, and relentless pursuit of fallen people. Jesus did not come to save people who were good and well (there aren’t any). He came to save people who are messed up! He came to save people who have broken His law and deserve judgment. Thankfully, He poured that judgment out on Jesus Christ, who willingly served as our substitute. He is our ever-present help in time of need. Only in Him can we have victory over our daily temptations with sin. And when we fail, He wants us to run to Him and not from Him. So, yes I went to Chick-fil-a today. And I plan to go again and again. But, its not because I hate anyone. I will spend the rest of my life here in this world, and all of eternity in the next, perpetually aware that I am only saved by His grace. I was a wretched mess when He saved me, and I will be messy until He brings me home. Until then, I will rest in His gracious hand and pursue holiness by His loving grace. And I will seek to love all people and tell them how they can also have victory in Jesus. And I will do so as I "eat mor chikin."

Rescued!

It is a scene forever etched in my mind. It haunts me. No matter how hard I try I cannot escape the sight. The scene is of a little orphan boy, bent down, and digging through the trash. He is dirty, not just playing in the sandbox dirty, but filthy. His clothing barely qualifies as sufficient covering and yet he is among the few that even have rags to drape over himself. He is dangerously skinny due to malnutrition. His body if filled with infected sores that remain unattended to. He is lonely, but cannot cry, his tears have basically dried up. When he did cry, no one came to his rescue anyway. So, he continues day after day, rummaging through trash looking for something that he can eat. At night he cuddles in a dark corner of lonesomeness, and there he goes to sleep. I cannot see his face. I only see the boy. His story one of multitudes.

I begin to wonder, “Why don’t somebody do something! Why does God not provide something for him?” Unfortunately, I bought into the lie of the American dream. My thought has always been that I am suppose to be successful, have a big house, drive nice cars, take regular vacations, maybe even have a vacation home, wear nice clothes, eat at nice restaurants, have huge, enormous flat screen televisions, iphones, ipads, and have lots of other super nice things. I could even be real spiritual about it and talk about how greatly God has blessed me with all my stuff. I could talk about how God has provided for me and how He desires for me to live a good life, which includes all my stuff. I could talk about how God had given me so much because He loves me so much. Surely, God wants me to have, have, have---you know---live the good life!

But, there he is bent down rummaging through the trash for something to eat. And there I am wondering why God doesn’t do something. Then it dawns on me that God has done something, and He has provided for him. God rescued, saved, redeemed the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ to be His hands and feet in the world. God cares for the poor and needy and imprisoned and stranger and widow and orphan. His plan for caring for them is for His Church to be His ambassadors, to do His work in the world. God has provided for these dear people. The problem is, he has given the resources to me and to you. While we continue to drink $4.00 lattes and make sure we keep our hair or golf appointments, there he sits digging through that trash.

Then God does something amazing. He brings that little dirty, smelly, diseased, orphan boy into a more clear view. Its almost as if someone is pushing the zoom button on a video recorder or camera. The little boy is still rummaging. Then a voice calls out, “I love you, come to me, I am here for you!” A hand reaches out toward the little boy. Finally, he turns so that I can see his face. And I am floored. Its my face! I am the little boy! The voice calling me is the Good Shepherd! He takes my hand, cleans me up, dresses me, and calls me His! No longer an orphan am I. He tells me that He is my everything, not stuff. And He supplies me, not so that I can live the American dream, not so that I can have, have, have. Rather, He desires for me to give, give, give. He desires that I do unto others, as He has done unto me. And so, I begin to think what a difference God could make through me if I began planning to live on less. What if I did not need a newer car, but drive an older one? What if I did not need to take regular exotic vacations? What if I did not need to eat at nice restaurants regularly? What if I did not need all of those clothes? What if I did not need a larger television, or even one at all? What if I really began to live as one that God has blessed so that I can be a blessing to others in His name. What if I intentionally lived lower so that others could live. That is what He did for us, is it not? (2 Cor 8:9
For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich), ESV.